my soliloquoy...

the game of pointing at each other...

do you know that one of the first sins that human did according to the christian bible is pointing at each other as in blaming them for your fault? it was said that adam ate the forbidden fruit that eve gave him and when God asked why did he eat it, he blamed eve...

dun worry i am not trying to preach or give you some kind of spiritual insights, never have been THAT spiritual and not planning to be in the very near future...

yesterday there was this incident that struck me...i was brought to the fact that i have a bad habit - blaming something upon others. let's say you made a mistake but the mistake isn't fully yours, what would you do? would you:
a. keep quiet
b. defend yourself by saying the fault isn't fully yours
c. ignore the comment and just walk away
d. none of the above

mind you the ala cosmopolitan trivia quiz but personally i would've gone for (b) for at least 10 minutes and only after that i would do (a). sounds selfish and self centred isn't it? well that's me...

*sigh* i'd really like to learn to just keep quiet sometimes...people will know the truth in the future anyways... is it that important to get your point acrossed? what's most important is you know that what you do is not wrong and nothing really matters, isn't it? hmmm... or maybe it's a
reflection of guilt? is it or isn't it? if so, is a person who defends himself when being blamed upon definitely guilty then?

i know not everything is black and white...right or wrong...true or false...you get the point i think but it doesn't stop me from pondering about the fact about me and my bad habit...hmm...

YOU LOSER YOU....

"this is how I did it, Anton; I never saved anything for the swim back..."

the quote is taken from the movie "Gattaca".although alot of people might have said the movie was a total flop, i actually found the movie to be an eyeopener and even had tons of message in it...there was this scene that stood out for me, about two people having a swim challenge between them. the elder brother (Vincent) was not as 'perfect' or genetically flawless as his younger brother (Anton) however at that challenge Vincent proved that he was a stronger swimmer than Anton (which was totally unlikely)...Anton who was baffled asked his brother how he did it and Vincent lightly answered because he 'never saved anything for the swim back'...

do you know that i consider myself a big loser in life and always awkward at alot of situations...unlike some other people who have 'better genes' (?)than i do if you want to refer to the 'Gattaca' plot that is...not exactly a cassanova, not really an einstein, definitely not a brad nor a tom...alot like Vincent in the movie i suppose...it should be a cult movie for all losers world wide i think..:)

well maybe that's how i (or those who have the same mindset as i do) should implement in life; to give everything that we have and not look back...i mean really really seriously all or nothing. if you want something, don't think of the consequences and the what if's...as long as you know that it is positive, go for it with all your might! *gambatte!* we don't have much to start with but if we put more effort in it we might still come out with our chin up right?

*raise coffee mug*here's for everyone who are losers or losers at heart...hehehe....

in a state of euphoria...

hol·i·day : a day on which one is exempt from work; specifically : a day marked by a general suspension of work in commemoration

in indonesia hari raya is apparently much celebrated and the government has even given a one week public holiday for everyone so that families can reunite and friends can have rendesvouz to reconnect severed ties...for others non moslem like me it's probably a much needed one week off from work and the office so why complain?

well today's the last day of the one week holidays and as usual i felt as if i wasted the holidays doing nothing much whereas i COULD have hit the gym, i COULD have gotten more sleep (ps.it's 4 am and i'm still surfing the net), i COULD have spent more quality time with me,myself and my id (refer to me and lack of sleeping T.T) oh well at least it was a week free of paper work, work related emails, and scoldings from customers or people from the branch office (erm notice a pattern here?) so i shall refrain from whining any further..shall probably continue the whining when my boss starts to nag on monday..hahaa...

one step closer to the ledge...

morbid nite...

if you have to take one advice from me it would be "slow haunting songs are really bad to hear in the car..especially at nights.."

yesteday i went home at about 10.40 pm and as i drove through the nearly empty streets the song "with or without you" by u2 played...one of my personal favourites...my mind started to wander off...

wouldn't it be nice to actually stand on top of one of those brightly lit skyscrapers...eyes closed you could feel the wind on your face...so strong that it ruffles your hair...the air so fresh it is intoxicating...

when you look up you feel so small...the numerous stars staring back at us, the sky soooooo wide you can't see where it ends or even guess where it begins...the horizon is sooooo far and the moon so blue..so breathtakingly blue and pretty...*sigh*

and after that you look down...the city...jakarta city...with all the small cars buzzing so fast...the city lights so colourful...the sight could have been in a postcard somewhere *chuckle* 'hypnotic' is the term for it i suppose...

so quiet...could not hear any sound...maybe this is what they call 'serenity'...unusually calm standing on a building so high...so so so very high for any common sense...what will happen if i take another step towards the picturesque sight? run...maybe i should run to it, as if fearing it might disappear...as i picked up the speed of my steps i realized that it was the last piece of the ledge...should i jump?will i survive?*speechless*...will something so good cost me my life?*take a deep breath*

>>SKIP<<

i skipped the song...

slow haunting songs are really bad to hear in the car..especially at nights..hmmm...

myth, belief and urban legend...

just a one sided view about what happened last week...

being an ethnic chinese in indonesia, it's pretty interesting to see how my family still believes in ALOT of superstition. the moment i thought i was being brought up the western way, my family (especially my mum's side) can really make me speechless...

have you heard about this myth or belief or urban legend (whatever you want to call it...hrmph) that if a person dies on a tuesday or saturday then the deceased will bring a "friend" along? it was said that someone from that close family of the deceased will also die not too long after that..what a bunch full of bull and crap, right?

anyways, sadly one of my favourite uncles passed away about 2 or 3 months ago and it was on a saturday (and it doesn't take a psychic to guess what i'm going to write next) THEN his youngest brother died also last week due to severe gastric condition! there were alot of whispers and everything during the wake a couple of nights ago mentioning the "tuesday-saturday are bad days".

it's so odd to come to realization that in such a high tech world full of PDAs, laptops and fancy cars we still believe in these kind of urban legends. ironic too i guess since people in that wake were using state-of-the-art handphones but yet they are talking about these things on their cells...hmm...

coincidence, sheer bad luck or is the myth for real? *shruggs* i suppose none of us can really know but one thing i have to be honest is i can't lie that i had goosebumps during that wake...*shudder* yes yes...what a bunch full of bull and crap...*nervous laugh*

ps. happy halloween...
pps. spie_dee doesn't take his time bathing at night due to certain reasons he does not want to reveal..

in need of a detour...

how many of us find our lives is so boring and lame..everyday is so mundane and filled with routines that we more or less can't escape? sometimes we hope something exciting or at least 'fresh' would come our way...no? hehe..well spie_dee here has given it a thought ALOT amidst the panic and my mother screaming that i was going to be late for work, i once again contemplate about it..."will there be something interesting today*stef scrath head*"hmmm...

but seriously...the problem of us thinking our lives are boring maybe lies in ourselves? perhaps we aren't looking close enough...

sometimes i complain sooo much (maybe not aloud though) about not having much time for myself...but here i am, taking a deep breath and trying to look at the bigger picture...am i in any position to comlpain at all? who's to blame when i am overly busy? who's to fault when i do not have time for my friends? who's to point fingers at (esp the middle one..?) when i do not have the leisure to go out and meet someone i find 'interesting'? the thing is i realized today at 09.24 am in the morning on a sucky squeeky chair that there is no one i should blame...not my let's-study-tomorrow-and-play-today students...not my you-gotta-hand-the-reports-NOW boss...definitely not my friends...not even MYSELF!*stef mocks a gasp*

seriously speaking let's try looking at our lives from a different light...there is nothing to groan about...okay, i'm being too positive here..there is nothing MUCH to groan about...yes i wake up at 6.00 and work until 18.00 after that i still need to tutor 2 students and finally reach home at 22.30 but come on *stef takes a deep breath* i am more or less 'financially stable', pretty much content with work, not too many friends due to the limited time i have to socialize but hey at least i dun think i have too many people who hate me that much...do i? hmmm the eternal impending question lies..hahaa..and i kind of like ALL my students with their own 'uniqueness' and 'antiques'...yes bear, even you...hahahaa...they're kind of cute *in their own way of course...* i think...hmm..*read: not in a dirty disgusting pedophilic manner of course thank you very much..*

will there be a change in my life today? i dun think so... it's not like i reached enlightenment or something...it's those things we already know most of the time but juz slipped our mind at times or rather we choose to forget juz for 5 minutes of good addictive self-pity...let's stop worrying about the non existent detour..the exciting change in our daily lives...in my opinion the detours should be the way we see our lives in general...maybe we should learn to be content with what we have and stop worrying about the things that we don't have..lame..lame..you say...but give yourself a minute after reading this posting and give it a thought then dare you say "lame..lame.."?

just a quick thought...or not..

here's my first post in this blogger...not sure whether it'll be useful or will i be able to update it from time to time..but i sure think it's nice to have a place to write about my daily rantings and all..hmm...feel free to drop a message or two, lemme know what you think about my postings ok.

stef is bored...>.<