Thursday, November 30, 2006

midnight reflection

liberated...

i just finished my fourth exam of the semester; four down one more to go - tomorrow. today's accounting exam was interestingly liberating. it's not that i could do the paper so well that i feel extremely good, it was definitely not the free red bull given out at the campus either *haha..* on the contrary, i don't think i did that paper justice? maybe i realized that the campus incentive is now almost out of reach? i'm not sure. it just feels strangely calming now. feels almost like i am comfortable being myself so much. something that i haven't felt for so long.

since the day i arrived in singapore, i told myself that i have to ace this course and prove myself that i can do it. it became quite a burden after a while and i started comparing myself with others. but just now as i sat in the bus, i couldn't help myself smiling away. it's so strange; i don't see the point of comparing with others so much. of course to a certain extent it is good to have a somewhat leverage and make sure you're not doing below your own standard.

but life isn't only about comparison. you might be horrible at one area, not so good at another but you're not that bad at other things and probably fantastic somewhere else? well unfortunately i don't think i'm fantastic on anything i can think of? well nothing useful anyways :D does it matter?

reading my previous blogs, it surprises me how down and dejected i sounded but tonight i just want to shrug it off and walk with a smile. live life to the fullest - carpe diem doesn't mean you excels yourself to somebody else's limit, it's about living your life the way you like it and not disappoint YOURSELF in the process. i'm not saying we should just sit around do nothing and be a couch potato; just do things for yourself, do things because you want to, study things you deem necessary, go places where you can enjoy youself, be friends with people you fit in - just enjoy your life, you only have one life definitely not a repetitive game *har har... stupid eco joke, search for nash theory those who don't get it*

so today i realize that i am just spie_dee; a kreepy crawlie trying to be walk my path in this journey. yes i must say that i am not as intelligent as cg, not as hard working as ir, not as friendly and fun loving as ev or even as jovial as cu and not as successful as wl either *the money he makes.. ahem made... whoaa.. ahaha* in fact i'm clumsy, ugly *monkey looking as cg puts it, ergh*, sloooooow sometimes, stubborn, quirky, gets nervous sooo much doing presentations, horrible in exams, talks waaaaay too much, worry sooo much *reminds me of telly in sesame street sometimes haha..*, insensitive too at times. but hey, i'm just me :) not sure if my friends are really my friends or they're just stuck for the moment before they find better friends but let me be just me. let's not think too much :) i have my friends, am grateful they're there when i need them NOW and am even more grateful if they feel the same.

i'm not saying that the next day everything will change; i'll probably still get jitters during the results day, feel disappointed, happy? who knows. there'd probably more 'down' or 'dejected' entries ahead but today? today i just wanna enjoy - enjoy myself *shruggs* and study of coz there's still one more to go. i'll do my best definitely do my best coz i don't want to disappoint... myself :)

Monday, November 27, 2006

"feel like I'm two steps behind "

sometimes it's hard to accept that we are not as fast, as smart, as good looking, or as perfect as others but i guess during those times you just have to keep on trying and hopefully one day your time will come...

Everything in its time (Corrinne May)


Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

indeed "everything in its time"... i think i should start frequenting the church again hmmm.... anyone?

Saturday, November 25, 2006

captain's log on 25th nov'06

on my so-called-life in singapore so far

*phew* it's been almost two weeks since i last blog, past few weeks have been INSANE! it's literally a hurdle of one project after another and when the projects are over, the EXAMS are queueing. it's interesting to see that my life these days is becoming like one of those nerdy people who don't have much time to socialize outside their daily scope of friends. used to think those people are miserable! fact is - i confirm my statement: WE are miserable! :D

but honestly speaking so far the journey in singapore's been full of ups and down, more than i expected. i found that sitting doing nothing in your room is a leisure i don't enjoy everyday. used to encourage mr lumos to go socialize, meet friends and such but NOW fact is sometimes i just feel like lazing around my bed doing nothing. read some books (those without the word "text" infront of coz), play some computer games, listen to light music, drink a cuppa' watever warm and just enjoy the sight of rain from my room.

it's been raining alot these days btw, feels alot like christmas hmmm.... *smile* my favourite holiday of the year.

i suppose this whole mba course is like a battle of wits and will. correction: a battle of WILL and then later wits. you must have one big DETERMINATION *in capital AND bold* to complete the whole course i guess, and it helps too if you tip over to the not-so-sloooow side. look at it this way, how do you finish 13 chapters of a book *that is practically 600+pages* in 4 days? and i'm not talking about procrastination here, the time alotted was just not enough *think projectS* but we did it. well we DID the exam, not too sure about the result though *cripez*

two down, three more to go, i hope i can survive the week. exams bring people close together, it's true. kind of the people in that movie "deep impact" *THE other 'armageddon' movie which was shown about the same time? the one with no bruce willis and liv tyler in it -_-"* when the end is near, people draws near to each other :D this IS hyperbolic then... watever, i'm exam high, so shoot me. we'll survive this exams i guess, and have a blast! at least til the result is out: 27th december'06. ARGH! make sure you stuff yourself to death on the 25th, might be your 'last supper'.

ps: does 风水 involve numerology? the one million bucks question... :)

Monday, November 13, 2006

a moment of insecurity

reflection at 02.40 am...

you know i've been through many ups and downs in my 26 years of living, so many things happened in the past *too many? hmmm* in a way, it is quite strange how i sometimes value my friends so much more than my family? maybe it's called "cohort" and how people of similar generation would be able to understand each other more? not too sure about that, but tonight a thought keeps me awake for hours.

i always tell my friends that i'd probably get married when i'm 30+ and they'd all probably with children by then :) but you know what? the thought of being alone kind of scares me? well probably not "scare" *that's such a strong word to use*, maybe more "make me uneasy"? so far i always have my friends beside me; to go out when i'm bored, to exchange thoughts when i'm not sure about certain things or sometimes even just some people to joke with. will they stay the same when they have commitments? hmmm...

i tried talking to a friend previously about this but being the confident person that she is, she claimed that nothing will change. apparently... i don't think so. a slightly naive response if you ask me. maybe friends are just people who accompany you until you find that 'significant other' then you say 'adieu, thanks for accompanying me, hope you find yours soon too. heck, it was fun!' well is it wrong to think that way? in a bittersweet manner, i think it does bear a certain truth in it don't you think?

*sigh* who knows? maybe i'll be the one who bids all of you farewell first? *shruggs* i hope i can freeze the moment, where everybody is happy and everyone's my friends. anyways, thanks for keeping me company for 26 years. sorry you guys have to be stuck with me for a few more years i guess.

Friday, November 10, 2006

kenneth arrow team

"kena" arrow? naaah, we dodged it! :D

last week we were REALLY screwed, we had two presentations to do and found out that there's a third one coming in three days time. well we were quite sure it was for the week after and finally found out that we had to rush it as soon as possible!

the lesson learnt is that if we do it calmly with a great degree of committment it will show during the presentation. maybe that is what is lacking in most of our previous presentations? the passion to do it? although we were running late and tired as hell we forced ourselves to do shameless *roll EYES!* field surveys the whole night.

not sure what happened during the presentation but everything went REALLY well; the crowd was responsive, we weren't nervous, the questions asked were replied appropriately and the team dynamics were fantastic! apparently when we presented our case, the prof liked it so much that he asked us to send our ppt file to him and replied with the comment below:












i must say that is such a morale booster... suddenly i feel the urge to study eco! haha.. if only he grades our exams the same way *dream on, fyi the mean for the mid-terms was 51... eeerrrggghhh*

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

do you feel 'homey' in singapore?

had a relatively long chat with my friend ocg yesterday regarding how we are coping with life in singapore and how different it is with our previous life back in our home countries. then there was this really interesting part when he asked me "do you feel homey in sg?"

*sigh* do you feel 'homey' anywhere? i think 'home' is a feeling that you get when you feel accepted. of course you will feel more at home when you are with your family, that is natural but other than that - do you feel homey anywhere else? do friends give you that kind of comfort, the same no holds barred feeling you get with your family? sadly i must say none of my friends have given me any of those, nor am i expecting them to provide me with such feeling either. i'll probably end up getting hurt expecting too much from my friends.

but i think home is where you want to be. right now it's probably what's the best i can make with this situation. i'm just too glad to have friends whom i can spend my time with. share most of my feelings and trouble; hopefully they feel the same about me too i guess. let's just 'enjoy' this ride and see where this vessel called the mba programme takes us.