moving forward

i'll see you there :)




for the past few years i've been telling myself to work day and night so that i will be able to do my masters abroad and now the wait is finally over. but is it really a dream come true? i doubt it. coz if it is then i will be much happier, fact is i'm not that elated leaving so many things in indonesia; my beloved car, my quirky friends, my loving family, etc etc ---> in short: my LIFE basically. talking about turning a new page huh?

maybe i've been given a second chance to do everything in singapore, but of coz there is a cost that i must pay to a certain extent. these days i'm pretty free since i have resigned from my job and most of the arrangements have been done. problem with being free is i have tons of time to think and me thinking equals BAD. *that's with everything capital bold and italic all at the same time* i wonder whether the so-called-cost will be worth it at the first place.

taking such a big leap as to do my masters abroad is kinduv an investment i think, a large sum of investment that is and in every investment i suppose there'd be risks. this one is no exceptional too. no i'm not only talking about the hard earned cash i have collected for around 3 years. basically i'm going to repeat what so many people have told me; i have a stable job with above average income for an indonesian my age, friends who are willing to help me most of the time, a car - a flash one in fact *God forbids you travelling in jakarta with no vehicle whatsoever! I LUUUUVE MY RED JAZZ*, and a mother who is still actively working, at the same time provides all my daily needs *from everyday fruit juice to state to the art resto she introduces to me every once a while*

maybe i'm just nervous leaving everything behind? that's a pretty interesting line isn't it? "behind"... that would mean i'm moving forward i suppose. i'd like to believe so. and i'd also like to believe that i will see my family and friends there. forward. *smile* i guess i'll see you there! :)

alienated

i hate the feeling...

i thought i hate my friends for speaking in a lingo i don't understand but after much thinking i realized - i hate myself. it is seriously weird, there were three people on the table, why do you have to speak in a lingo one doesnt understand. odd right? am i insignificant? that leads to another question - am i significant? what am i in the world?

why do we hate the feeling of not fitting in. being left out seems to be a turn we'd rather not take. is it that important to fit in? why fit in?

i could actually interupted and say "english please" but i chose not to. it's the whole dumb "they should know better right?" wrong. fact is i let myself drowned in my small little world before i excused myself earlier leaving my friends feeling puzzled at my early departure. it was really awkward but i couldn't help myself. my emotion swept the rug under my feet.

it's been some time since i feel left out like this. i forgot the feeling. i forgot how i hate the feeling. it feels so lonely. makes me feel like nothing in this world.

maybe i am nothing in this world? i am just one person in this million, billion, gazillion, zillion people in the entire universe. by right i should fight myself into the conversation, budge myself in so that i will fit in but no, i kept quiet thinking "you should know better" and feeling shite about myself. i hate myself...haiz...

i'm a bad husband, horrible father and lousy boyfriend

but a perfect best friend


that's what my bestfriend told me couple of weeks ago. it was the supposed truth according to her. the last bit wasn't much of a consolation if you ask me.

COME ON! am i THAAAT bad. btw please please please spare me the reply, this is meant to be a rhetorical. :( well maybe it does have a certain truth in it, she kinduv explained a bit why she thinks of me that way and some of them are true i suppose.

lousy husband coz i'm just a liiiiittle workaholic. hey i kinduv like my job? *well i'd like to think it that way at least* horrible father coz i'm really awkward with children? i think they're pests and once they've hit a certain age they lose their cuteness and irritating comes almost instantly. but maybe coz they're not mine? lousy boyfriend just because i'm not committed enough. so shoot me, i don't want to climb the isle so early and i sort of step back when a girl i fancy talks about weddings just a little too much?

is it really a sin to not to be ready slipping a ring in my fingers? is it less desirable to want to have a companion but not a lifelong "girlfriend"? maybe what i need is just time to rethink my priorities, i would know when the person is right and the timing is perfect. for now, not to shudder and freak out too much during weddings would be a good start i suppose. -_-"

au revoir my corporate life *for now at least...*

so yesterday was basically my last day of work, it's really weird to tell you the truth. i thought i would be jumping in joy, not having to drag myself to that building every morning anymore. but it felt empty. like something important has been taken away from me.

two and half years isn't exactly a very short while to spend in one place. working's probably like school? we go to that same building everyday and interact with the same people too. we even complain about our bosses just like we did about our teachers back at school. :)

it's strange; despite the obvious fact that you get paid every month *quite meagre and insignificant amount compared to the mountainous work you get slabbed with on yer face everyday* - you get scolded, work til EXTREMELY insane inhumane hours *i stayed til 1 am a few times, can you believe that*, get annoyed by people whom you call colleagues, annoy people whom you call colleagues, lose your social life, etc, there's still this drive that makes me go there everyday. no, it's not called money thankew beri mud. maybe it's the people, maybe it's the new knowledge i don't get from my old university, i'm not too sure but i can actually say, weird as it is, i enjoy working. or sorry, should i say i enjoyed working?

got til it's gone? probably. but i guess i have to wait 18 months and see whether i'd fit my next corporate career.