...

i really don't know what i'm feeling now i suppose. my goodness, this is like those years with the emotional ups and downs. a roller coaster of moods all pent into one.

i so want to tell myself, hey dude, grow up~ *sigh*

between the hollywöod tape and a relook at friendship

so i shall start with something embarrassing,the lower part of my pants' thread kind of let go? in the end after walking from the mrt to the office it looks as if it ripped from bottom up. i'm talking about 20cm rip here? ö gawd.. in the end i scotch taped my pants from inside haha.. and if i'm a celebrity, it'll be called the hollywood tape haha~ fortunately after multiple taping every now and then it actualy lasted the whole day :p

anyway off to more serious matters. today i kind of ponder about my friendship with this group of friends.. it somehow doesn't feel fulfilling? in a strange manner u don't feel rejuvinated by the end of the day after meeting them? maybe it's my headache and the stress i've been getting from work also. but i'm getting more and more tired i suppose. hmmm...

i so wonder if my friends feel the same way as i do though.

i'm thinking maybe it's the same way as JC last time when i tried so very hard to fit in that i became a totally different person. i got to the point that i was so sure they wouldn't like who i really was or something?

who am i kidding really? hmmm.. i juz wanna sleep it off, my head's hurting. ergh~

we're just human...

it's interesting to know how the person whom i thought oozes self confidence has so many insecurities about himself. i'm not saying that it's something entirely negative, it just puts many things into a different perspective. i guess everybody is just human in every sense, right? or is this maybe my insecurity a'calling? (hehe)

the odd one out?

sometimes i wonder in life if i do fit in with the group i am/was in or i TRY to fit in. take junior college life as an example, it was the time when friends' acceptance was most important more than anything else. can't say that my jc life was bad at all, i was in a good school with nice friends, had a reputable eca even. but looking back, i kind of question myself again. in between the awkward conversation, forced laughter and all, who am i kidding, i don't think i belong there..

now at work i kind of have a sense of belonging with what i am currently doing and the people i work with. i even go out with them sometimes to hang out or just have a random drink during the weekend. but as i lay here in my room at 1.30am on a new sunday, i wonder.. do i really belong with these friends? or am i trying to fit in again?

i probably do not have the answer now. i may not even know ever? the bigger question maybe is why am i even wondering about this? (yeah why?) people walk through their lives, day in day out, you're bound to meet all sorts of people. some will be left behind as memory but there are some i guess, those few ones who become your true friends. i'll try to put these doubts and insecurity aside first (as much as i can) and glide with my daily life for now. there'll be time to evaluate later, but for now let me just live my life the way it is... hmmm...