midnight reflection

liberated...

i just finished my fourth exam of the semester; four down one more to go - tomorrow. today's accounting exam was interestingly liberating. it's not that i could do the paper so well that i feel extremely good, it was definitely not the free red bull given out at the campus either *haha..* on the contrary, i don't think i did that paper justice? maybe i realized that the campus incentive is now almost out of reach? i'm not sure. it just feels strangely calming now. feels almost like i am comfortable being myself so much. something that i haven't felt for so long.

since the day i arrived in singapore, i told myself that i have to ace this course and prove myself that i can do it. it became quite a burden after a while and i started comparing myself with others. but just now as i sat in the bus, i couldn't help myself smiling away. it's so strange; i don't see the point of comparing with others so much. of course to a certain extent it is good to have a somewhat leverage and make sure you're not doing below your own standard.

but life isn't only about comparison. you might be horrible at one area, not so good at another but you're not that bad at other things and probably fantastic somewhere else? well unfortunately i don't think i'm fantastic on anything i can think of? well nothing useful anyways :D does it matter?

reading my previous blogs, it surprises me how down and dejected i sounded but tonight i just want to shrug it off and walk with a smile. live life to the fullest - carpe diem doesn't mean you excels yourself to somebody else's limit, it's about living your life the way you like it and not disappoint YOURSELF in the process. i'm not saying we should just sit around do nothing and be a couch potato; just do things for yourself, do things because you want to, study things you deem necessary, go places where you can enjoy youself, be friends with people you fit in - just enjoy your life, you only have one life definitely not a repetitive game *har har... stupid eco joke, search for nash theory those who don't get it*

so today i realize that i am just spie_dee; a kreepy crawlie trying to be walk my path in this journey. yes i must say that i am not as intelligent as cg, not as hard working as ir, not as friendly and fun loving as ev or even as jovial as cu and not as successful as wl either *the money he makes.. ahem made... whoaa.. ahaha* in fact i'm clumsy, ugly *monkey looking as cg puts it, ergh*, sloooooow sometimes, stubborn, quirky, gets nervous sooo much doing presentations, horrible in exams, talks waaaaay too much, worry sooo much *reminds me of telly in sesame street sometimes haha..*, insensitive too at times. but hey, i'm just me :) not sure if my friends are really my friends or they're just stuck for the moment before they find better friends but let me be just me. let's not think too much :) i have my friends, am grateful they're there when i need them NOW and am even more grateful if they feel the same.

i'm not saying that the next day everything will change; i'll probably still get jitters during the results day, feel disappointed, happy? who knows. there'd probably more 'down' or 'dejected' entries ahead but today? today i just wanna enjoy - enjoy myself *shruggs* and study of coz there's still one more to go. i'll do my best definitely do my best coz i don't want to disappoint... myself :)