tis the season to get married

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blaaaaah...

woo-hee guess what it's the eight month according to the chinese calendar and supposedly it's a good month go get hitched. i think it has a lot to do with the fact that the pronounciation sounds a wee bit like prosperous or something. anyways i'm pretty much occupied every weekends now with all the wedding receptions to attend, the most recent one being a very close friend of the family who's currently a 31 year old yuppie. (an extremely successful one that is)

i must say that the wedding reception was held beautifully in a five star hotel auditorium, pretty close to how i would like to have mine; not so crowded, very modern room decoration, champagne, and even the food was 'acceptable' *hey usually the catered food during wedding reception is the good to look at but not that fantastic tasting* by the way, the bride aaah don't forget the pretty bride, she's quite an eye candy for that day. if that was mine i would scrap the corny chinese singing mc to a quieter four piece string mini orchestra that plays light jazz and classical.

the point of the whole story is of course not this person's wedding but the dream i had the night i attended the reception. believe it or not i dreamt that i was getting married in a month's time! to someone whom i've never met before also, my mother kinduv matchmade me in that dream to a daughter of her friend. wtf? yes, i can't describe it any better than those three letters. you know people say your whole life passes by when you're on the verge of dying well mine did. hur you say? well i said hur also after i woke up so don't ask me why okay. then i started thinking of postponing the marriage but it's impossible coz the invitations were already given out to everyone. will i be able to get along well with her, it's a lifetime commitment after all! will i still be able to have fun with my friends? where will i stay; buy a house, apartment or live @ my parents'?

just to cut a long story short i woke up with a yelp and i told myself, i think my wedding bells will still take quite some time. urgh. *shudder*

it's all in the mind (aka in a heartbeat...)

no really, you don't get me, i meant it in every way literal...

yesterday my heart was beating irregularly and abnormally hard, i took it lightly and thought that it was nothing so i continued working but it didn't stop until very late night so in the morning i went to the doctor to check what's wrong. surprise surprise he told me that i have too much in my mind and i'm too stressed out. huh? what a piece of crap i said to myself...

so it's been three days since i went to the doctor now and i wrote that paragraph. as i reread that partial piece i smiled. now i more or less know what makes me all stressed out. *yes, i have come to realize that to a certain extent i probably have a "muscle tension"*

it's not the office, it's not the students, the hectic schedule probably plays a small part but the most essential part of it all is...

i think i need to learn to forgive myself.

learn that everyone is never perfect. i am no ace. i wish i am but ultimately i have to realize that sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down. it's great to be "the best" but "good" is usually enough to pass the day. you can't win'em all, if you do what is left to live for, right?

just take a deep breath. try to relax and let go. it's never easy. it's not a one day thing, in fact it's a life time. but just try, try to accept yourself as a whole.

hopeless stranger...

am i so dumb?
am i so stupid?
i know no one is perfect
but to do such a thing

my confidence is shattered
all gone with the dust
together with my pride
went off with the light

who am i?
what can i do?
is there anything i can do?
is there anything i'm good at?

used to feel i was special
used to think i was different
more than some others
those regular and average people

bitter
hatred
sick
headache

i don't even know myself no more
who am i?
i'm stuck in this person
this strange unfamiliar person

am i somebody for someone?
but you know the truth hurts
when you open your eyes and see
that you're actually nobody for no one....

when i am free...

and when is that, huh? huh? huh?

that line seems so foreign and sounds like some farfetched fairytale that is close to non existent in my daily life..hahaha...

anyways, i was at the exhibition my company joined recently while counting down the ticking of the clock til it hit 20.00 pm just yesterday *that's a sunday* when i thought of what i would do if i had more time to spare. *it's probably somekind of delirium people get when they are in dire lack of something at a certain point of time?*

well here goes:
1. i would learn to play guitar
last time when i lived in a dorm there was this person who was really good at playing guitar but he was too annoying and such a smart aleck that i refrained myself to ask for his assistance. me and my ego at its best, tsk tsk tsk.... :p

2. i would DEFINITELY read more
be it a fiction book or even the newspaper *gasp* erm...not for the gossip, comic or the sale column only this time. i used to pick up reading when i just graduated from jc but since i moved to indonesia i haven't really find a good library where i can borrow *good quality interesting, did i mention free?* books. hmmm i think i should definitely read more, it's a whole part of life missing without books, don't you think?

3. but of course...get a girlfriend *did you see it coming? i DID! haha*
kind of self explanatory. i don't think i'm in any position to have a girlfriend at the moment due to my time constraint. had one last year and it ended with a bitter note if i must say, i think time is necessary to commit yourself to such a relationship. don't think i want to be a bastard *a second time*? what's the point of having a girlfriend if you don't have time to spend with her, right? the limited girls interested in me also play a *teeny weeny small almost non exsistent..trust me..haha* factor in my singlehood of course :p

4. singing?! yeah singing
used to join choir as an eca back in my jc and had a BLAST singing in a group *esp acapella*. i don't think i have the techniques i used to have though. :(

5. SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP
i want to SLEEP at least 6 full hours EVERYDAY! being a zombie all through the day isn't the greatest feeling in the world i tell you.

6. contact old friends
this is odd actually coz i happen to see an old friend from my smp *that's sec school in indon* the other day but i was too lazy to call him since i was in my car. IF i have more time, i would really like to contact my old friends, i think that would be nice. (esp. female ones, re: point number 3)

7. have a nice quiet stroll
alone @ the beach/ mall/ book shop with my discman on (well mebbe now would be iPod?) ...basically i enjoy spending times with no one but myself at times. it's a good way to retrospect and rethink about everything...mmm....

if only i have the time, right... yeah, if only....

想当年

sometimes i think the heavy traffic in jakarta is a blessing (and the keyword here is "SOMETIMES") because we get to think about what we have done that day or even look at the activities happening around our cars. interesting i must say because at the moment i don't really have the luxury to pause and think about all these things (but i have the time to blog? haha..."isn't it ironic, don't you think?")

anyways, it was one of those days when i went back from the office earlier than usual so it wasn't really dark yet and the traffic was totally jammed (as usual..sigh). then i saw this group of teenage boys in their uniform waiting for public buses chatting happily with each other. and you know what crossed my mind? "i'm old!" well okay, guess what's the SECOND thing that crossed my mind? i wish i could turn back the time and become just another jc/secondary students. *ahem* i prefer jc though, my secondary school was an all boys school :p

give it some thought, maybe in another five or ten years you would come across this super busy person driving by and you would think "wow that was me five/ ten years ago..." the point is every step we make we always go forward, even when we don't go forward we can never go backwards. maybe that's the beauty of life? or maybe that's the curse? everything is never black or white i suppose. i think the main idea is how we make full use of our lives, it's really nice to look back and reminiscence. i can proudly say that i had a blast during my teens though, it was definitely not always smooth but still- it was good.

you know what's the most important thing of all? the light already turned green. time to hit the gas and move on.