to be contented is a bliss

something that i need to be reminded from time to time...

the idea is so foreign to me that it does not make sense to a certain extent... lemme try and take it step by step though *sigh* self content is within oneself and to be contented is a bliss.

today i feel blue

it's so strange... i miss my honda jazz *sigh* in a day like this i would take her driving to god-knows-where with some soft music playing in the background.. sometimes i feel i think too much, just way too much. and sometimes i feel blue for no reason. probably just the feeling of loneliness that is chilling... *smile*

in a day like this i just want to walk, walk to wherever my feet take me... it'll be nice to have a friend to talk to *shruggs* *off the phone* or maybe not...

maybe it's the talk about relationship *and of coz inevitably the lack of it*, or was it the mockery that i'm not the typical every guy who loves soccer and/ or basketball *i don't think it's the latter, i'm so over it long time ago mmm*, or maybe the hectic weekend, or probably just the weather?

i suppose it's everything into one. aaah and there is that expectation part too.

can i just sleep all of them away? if only. it's not drizzling anymore though.. should i go take a walk? hmm...

the rule of the game

"if an individula lacks self-esteem and questions his self-worth, he is more likely to absorb a leader's direction rather than establish his own way of leading or thinking"
- organizational behaviour by robbins, stephen p and judge, timothy

if you ask me that line is one generalizing statement that basically separate the blacks and the whites. basically it says if you want to slip into an effective charismatic leader shoes, you have to be one pompous self loving individual who never questions one's ability. but then again it's probably me taking personal offence on this particular textbook :D

yes i still do questions my ability every now and then. a close friend who knows me for less than 4 months pointed to me that i lack self-esteem sometimes despite my apperance. but do you think it's wrong to pause and think twice before you implement anything?

there was this analogy of a sprinter though. the winner never looks back, left and right or even questions anything. he just runs. are we supposed to do that? just do whatever you have to do without thinking much or without any doubt.

but a counter of that analogy is... do we always have to be a winner? the world and it's society are such mean couple to begin with. the concept of being the most successful, the brightest, the one who's earning the most is the basic rule the game. is that our supposed ultimate goal in life? to be the most *.*? somehow i'm not convinced.

mmm no to time to think now, have to go back to the books now. isn't it ironic, don't you think? hmm hmmm...

to put it on perspective

my friends and i went to malacca last sunday and it was definitely one memorable holiday; not because of the yummilicious chicken rice ball, not the picturesque historical places and not even the cheap items you can get :) it's probably because some of us missed the bus going back to singapore :p

so the story went that it was an hour before the time the bus schedule and the first batch of group caught a cab (the terminal is just a 20 minutes ride or less), there were 8 of us so we had to take 2 cabs. but somehow after waiting for a while we couldn't see any cabs (are they breaking fast? maybe) so after asking the public bus driver, we hopped on the bus. the twist is that the bus went to one big round to residential places pretty far off the city only after that made a loop and went to the bus terminal! so to the cut the story short, we wasted 30 minutes and in the end missed the bus home to singapore.

the interesting part was that none of us really panicked that much, in fact we DID enjoy the "city tour". you know that's quite an improvement for ME, i would've freaked out in normal situation but on that day i realized that being calm and just enjoying the ride is the best option. interesting don't you think? maybe that's how i should view life in general; just do my best and look at the bright side of life, not forgetting to enjoy the "ride". the most important thing is probably just trying our best and if things don't turn out our way then wait for a chance to strike with all your might. this will definitely need time practicing and getting used too though :p

in the end we luckily *notice i use the word "luckily" :)* managed to get the last bus to singapore an hour later than the original schedule.

as i was sitting in the bus looking at the drizzle i smiled- it was a good day indeed.

still alone

so i chatted today with a university friend i haven't talked for quite some time. he asked me why i was so close to this girl but nothing ever happened between us. sparks seemed to fly, everything went well but in the end... there was nothing to be said. he asked me if i had feelings for her? tough question. did i have feelings for her? yes? no? maybe? it did cross my mind to be more than friends at one point of time but the mind was stronger than the feelings i guess. it was rather impossible to initiate anything at that time.

sometimes i think... am i asking too much? coz i've nothing much to offer either. am i pushing my luck? perhaps, but what if somehow it doesn't feel right; do you still go on? will there be the "right" one? will i have to be satisfied with someone else when the "right" one doesn't appear?

you know what, i think i just want to enjoy my life. not to think too much about this. when it's time it's time. i will know if it's her i think. i do seriously hope so. let's take it step by step.

the course of life

today i learn.


不想想太多 - 蘇慧倫

i suppose i've been up in the clouds for too long thinking that i could do everything by myself. everything was great, situation was fantastic and of coz i am ALL that. the fact is, the earth called. maybe this is a lesson for me to stay grounded, keep my feet firm there. there are 5 modules that i'm taking currently and the one that gave me the shock is the very one that i thought i did best (or at least the one that supplies me with the highest chance of a decent result). it's just strange, remembering the m&o class that i have, i am a very internal person; someone who thinks that the results come from the ability of the person and very little external factors as the variable. but today i feel that it's been dashed. i'm nothing...

feels like every single drop of confidence taken away from me. i don't think i'm that incompetent but thinking it over again... maybe i am. it's the doubts that people get about themselves every now and then.

if i follow this mood i would want to go somewhere alone far, very far, just away from the people i know. to calm my mind, set everything on line again and hopefully tomorrow will be a different day. but in this course you don't get the chance to do so, you just have to pick yourself up and start running the race again. it's just not over, so not over. i'd like to believe that it's not. in the life course you may be bruised, bleeding but you just have to sustain it.

so, is it worth it?

to a certain extent :D (politically correct answer huh?)

if you ask me that question regarding 18 months MBA program in NUS i'm currently doing, i'd probably pause for a while and might come up with a stupid answer such as "let's wait til i receive my first paycheck" :D while that's probably the most practical answer i can think of, i am pretty sure if you give me a couple more minutes to think i'd give you a more comprehensive better sounding and of course politically correct answer

so i'm sitting here now in my room trying to justify what probably is the biggest investment i've ever made. this MBA program is no doubt a very interesting program since what they tell you in the prospectus one thing but what you actually receive is another. when i joined, i expected an eye opening knowledge from the modules that would blast me off my seat. well, that didn't really happen if i can be honest. most of the things they teach are usually quite common sensical or just a repetitive of what i learnt from my undergrad years plus a little extra. despite the flashy exterior and abundant amount of facilities they offer in NUS, i do think that the price is waaaay too steep *i'm assuming that you're paying the S$28k from your own pocket, not any kind of scholarship.. not even father mother scholarship - the most popular of all haha..*

let's not come into any conclusion yet though, it's not all down hill because what i learnt the most is time management. if you actually do this program properly i'm betting my money that you'll probably be quite organized in a way and don't get stressed out too fast when the work starts piling. that happened to me last time, went into a mood swing of depression pondering about the mountainous readings, homeworks, exams and the impending group projectS (some of the uncooperative team members didn't help either, they argued for 45 minutes choosing a powerpoint template... ARGH! but that's another story altogether). but you know what? you'd just have to do slowly do them one by one, tackle them where you can and prioritize everything one by one. getting all frustrated about them don't really get the job done anyways, so it's better to just put on some good music, get a cuppa hot tea and start doing them one by one. you'll be a walking zombie, depraved in sleep and all, but that's quite common in this program. in fact every other person there looks like they can do with a couple of more hours of sleep :D (except for mr cg of coz, he seems to be having quite a sufficient amount of rest time, shucks)

of coz there is that part where it's also worth it due to the variety of people with different background, experiences and nationalities you're bound to meet at school. have met quite a nice group of friends where i can click quite well. strange how we are from a different part of the world but most of the time think quite alike, i suppose people are not too much different, despite the exterior.

self justification? maybe. but judging at my first 3 months here i have to say that what i learn in the program can be plotted in a positive linear graph (come on guys, whip out your scatterplots! "where izzzz your scatterploooottttt.... "- prof ou, hahaha) compared to the amount of money i spent (will be spending). i'm just hoping that the salary i get can be plotted with an exponential graph though, that would be great! hehe..

oh yah i learn how to comprehend people (notice i didn't use the word "understand" since i still don't know why he/ they - mr chindia? :D fake it at the first place when his normal engreesh is better) with bad FAKE accents too in this program, might come in handy in the future :D

breathe

let's take one step at a time. don't think of all the what-ifs just do what you have to do today.