...

i really don't know what i'm feeling now i suppose. my goodness, this is like those years with the emotional ups and downs. a roller coaster of moods all pent into one.

i so want to tell myself, hey dude, grow up~ *sigh*

between the hollywöod tape and a relook at friendship

so i shall start with something embarrassing,the lower part of my pants' thread kind of let go? in the end after walking from the mrt to the office it looks as if it ripped from bottom up. i'm talking about 20cm rip here? ö gawd.. in the end i scotch taped my pants from inside haha.. and if i'm a celebrity, it'll be called the hollywood tape haha~ fortunately after multiple taping every now and then it actualy lasted the whole day :p

anyway off to more serious matters. today i kind of ponder about my friendship with this group of friends.. it somehow doesn't feel fulfilling? in a strange manner u don't feel rejuvinated by the end of the day after meeting them? maybe it's my headache and the stress i've been getting from work also. but i'm getting more and more tired i suppose. hmmm...

i so wonder if my friends feel the same way as i do though.

i'm thinking maybe it's the same way as JC last time when i tried so very hard to fit in that i became a totally different person. i got to the point that i was so sure they wouldn't like who i really was or something?

who am i kidding really? hmmm.. i juz wanna sleep it off, my head's hurting. ergh~

we're just human...

it's interesting to know how the person whom i thought oozes self confidence has so many insecurities about himself. i'm not saying that it's something entirely negative, it just puts many things into a different perspective. i guess everybody is just human in every sense, right? or is this maybe my insecurity a'calling? (hehe)

the odd one out?

sometimes i wonder in life if i do fit in with the group i am/was in or i TRY to fit in. take junior college life as an example, it was the time when friends' acceptance was most important more than anything else. can't say that my jc life was bad at all, i was in a good school with nice friends, had a reputable eca even. but looking back, i kind of question myself again. in between the awkward conversation, forced laughter and all, who am i kidding, i don't think i belong there..

now at work i kind of have a sense of belonging with what i am currently doing and the people i work with. i even go out with them sometimes to hang out or just have a random drink during the weekend. but as i lay here in my room at 1.30am on a new sunday, i wonder.. do i really belong with these friends? or am i trying to fit in again?

i probably do not have the answer now. i may not even know ever? the bigger question maybe is why am i even wondering about this? (yeah why?) people walk through their lives, day in day out, you're bound to meet all sorts of people. some will be left behind as memory but there are some i guess, those few ones who become your true friends. i'll try to put these doubts and insecurity aside first (as much as i can) and glide with my daily life for now. there'll be time to evaluate later, but for now let me just live my life the way it is... hmmm...

ACHÖOO... >_<

i'm feeling like a disposable tissue ryt now. when my friends are in need they come looking for me, but dispose me as soon as they're back on track. haha.. o well, i guess i should be glad of 2 things in general:
1. they remember me at their times of need
2. they're back on track!
or maybe another one:
3. they don't read my blog (haha..)

o well, i'm juz glad i can be a so-called-friend i guess~ i wonder if i do the same to my friends too *pönder*

books books books~

what a way to begin the year. falling ill~

so today i didn't go to work and instead lie around trying to give myself a rest. i suppose i'm a tad over exhausted after the ultra busy schedule i had last week. i suppose i was being too ambitious and playing hard to please all my friends by meeting ALL of them all at one go.

anyway i'm' glad that i'm about 8 days into the 2009 and so far i'm enjoying my new year's resolution (one among the many haha) which is to get back to reading. i just finished reading the kite runner yesterday. very very emotional book, i would really recommend this particular book to you~

prior to the kite runner, i also finished a light on your face LOL book called a year in the merde (that is sh*t in french) basically an almost biography of a british guy and his experience in france. pretty interesting read too. may want to borrow the sequel(s) from my friend soon...

and then there was the freakonomics. one book that i could never complete no matter how hard i tried. i've checked this book sooo many times from the national library but couldn't really have the time (yeah right haha) to finish the book. anyway in a stupid i just have to do it prehistoric impulse kind of way, i've decided to BUY the book instead. this way i'm forced to really read the book haha~ anyway yeah i'm glad i did that, the book is a gem (although i must say i enjoy his additional new york times' articles more than the book errr... haha)

another book i recently finished was the alchemist. recommended by a friend who told me that it's a very inspiring book. and yes, in times like these we all need inspiration once in a while don't we? so i borrowed a copy from the national library (WHICH I HAVE TO RETURN SOON! ARGH!!!) and quite enjoyed the book. very very positive read i must say, almost disney even (haha) uplifting and inspiriting it is. i think it's perfect for some of my friends who are always having problems at work and everything, sometimes it's maktub (written) and you're actually off to a bigger thing if you have the patience :)

i still have a few books lining up before me. there are neil gaiman's the american gods and anansi boys. not sure if it's good, but since it's neil gaiman, i would think they should be of a certain standard? and i would love to read the tipping point or blink. again, like freakonomics, i've checked it out from the national library so many times but yet didn't have the determination to finish it. i wonder if i should buy them, i heard he came out with a new book called the outlier but i hesitate about that one. it's the one thing i am never quite sure about, to be an outlier. sometimes i enjoy blending among the crowd more :p hmmm~ but there are times when you feel good to be "different" i guess...

aaaaanyway, any good read to recommend? :)

my 2009 wish~

so it's the last day of the 2008, within 12 hours and 5 minutes we'll all
be in the 2009. i wish i can say that i'm unaffected about all these
overhyped roman calendar (more specifically julian calendar actually) new
year but today i'm feeling rather reflective. it's one of the very same
feeling you get at the end of a one week holiday just before the exams. you
end up wondering where have all the days gone to? and darn it you could've
utilized those hours better.

i did things i wasn't proud of, said things i wish i didn't amongst other
things but probably i should learn being more positive every now and then.

as usual, there's a fleeting thought in my head, if only human can be an
asocial being. do we necessarily need people around us to actually live?
maybe our lives are defined by the people around us, what they feel about
us, what they think about us and also who are they really (to us maybe)?

it's sad really to think of it that way, can't we be ourselves because we
want to. be ourselves because we are.

and a gazillion other people will definitely say, yes you should be
yourself... *sure*

but when the society is build in a certain manner that you are expected to
be this way, that way and everything else, i can't help feeling just a
little bit down

(at this point i wonder if my colleagues' negative impression of their jobs
kind of rub in the wrong way for the past few days hmmm...)

imagine this scenario, let's say a person ideally throws his
job/career/life to pursue his "dream" or so he thinks ala "the alchemist".
what do you think the society will think?

what about this one. if a person is generally shy and rather awkward when
meeting new people. why is it judge as "wrong" or a "weakness"? (mind you
the quotation marks really)

not that i'm saying i can relate (or want to relate) to both scenarios
above, somehow it just popped in my head (blink?). somehow i just don't get
how the society works. and since society where we are living in builds who
we really are (aw really?), well i must say i don't quite understand myself
clearly. i find myself doing many many things just because (yes there's no
continuation to that sentence... just because...)

well most of all i wish a many things in the new 2009 but above them, i
hope i know more of myself in the coming year. hmmm....~