happy chinese new year folks!

to celebrate the Chinese New Year i shall feature my friend's blog which is written by this year's zodiac himself *OIINNKK!!* - alex heng. although he is skinny as a pole, trust me he is one big gigantic pig inside *nasty too!!!* haha...

click on alex's (ahem) i mean the pig's picture for a good time :D

reflection in the summer rain

today for the first time since the holidays i went to school... and in the midst of the hot afternoon, it started raining... walking alone waiting for the rain to subside, i took a picture of the summer rain *although the rain can't really be seen in the pix :p* can't help thinking of what i was discussing with my friend the other day...

he believes that friends should call each other only when there is a need. you know, i think that is sad... sad because i feel that is true for most people? give it a thought of two; when's the last time you talk to your old friends just to ask them "how are you?" or maybe just a line of "how's life?". these two lines have gone somewhat obsolete... when you say these two, it went as being stale. uninspiring. and the worst of all - fake.

but is it so fake to want to know how your friends are doing in their life? is it so wrong to just drop a note telling them how your day went? is it so lame to just nudge and wave?

A: what's up?
B: nothing really... just... me?

sometimes we brush these kind of comments with a quick raised eyebrow and an even quicker ignorance towards the person we're talking to...

try seeing behind the lines. sometimes a single "how are you" can mean a lot. but then again who am i to say all this, it's nothing really... it's just... me... hmmm...

understanding

is a big misunderstanding

day in day out i always want people to understand me; well at least my friends? think like me? be in my shoes once a while? try walking my path? but today in my room i realize that sometimes if you want to be understood, try understanding others first. we concentrate so much in getting people to view things from our spectacle that we have become blind against their point of view at the first place.

"you're not the unluckiest person on earth... (there must be some good in you to get it this far?)"
"you have a knack in not believing in yourself"

just some quotes i heard from my friends this couple of months... mmm... to be honest it got me pondering about those statements. all these while i'm always torn since i feel that people don't understand me or rather, they misunderstand me but i guess sometimes hard as it is we have to refrain from pushing our piece of mind to other. probably the best way to get our slice of understanding is to try to understand others first? put your feet in their shoes?

the world is cold... everybody is trying to get everybody's (somebody's? anybody's?) sympathy one way or another. you know what i hope? i hope i can be someone who is able to provide comfort, someone to talk to or even just an ear to listen probably? thinking back i guess there is some truth in what my friend said, "everybody is experiencing the same thing". we all probably do but we have to walk on. don't concentrate on your feet all the time with the pebbles underneath but look in front, don't take your eyes off your goal and you'll be fine... *don't worry, i'm by your side... mmmm...*

left standing alone with the falling sun

in life i think i'm just gliding along trying not to step on people's foot but i think for the past few days i've been really touchy with comments made by others regarding myself. those things i easily brushed off seem so hurtful to actually hear; especially coming out from your good friends. it's a holiday; time for a break from everything, period where you exhale and think back what you have done for the past mid semester. probably ponder what you want to change for the rest of the semester too i suppose. *study for the exam too maybe? well, that's a given*

was doing random clicking on the net when i found this picture *courtesy of desmondwyson, thanks :)*; i thought it was really nice and poignant. it has a line saying "left standing alone with the falling sun". i think it's an irony *much like my life?* you're so engrossed with something and when it leaves/ disappoints, you feel a pang of emptiness inside. but you're missing something, something much greater than what just left. you've always taken it for granted, thinking that it's always been there and it will always be there. but reality gets the upper hand; the sun is falling.

maybe what we should do in life is get a bigger picture; a wider perspective; a larger macroscopic spectacle to view our lives. see what is important and those that are temporary. i know it's hard to find the time to just breathe and look back what we have done so far but sometimes it is more necessary than needed.

it's the holiday; let's take the time to exhale and reflect.

changing weather by the minute

just like my mood...

i must say today is quite a strange day; a question pops up in my head, "am i annoying?" stupid question isn't it? i'm also almost ashamed to actually ask it out loud. but there are quite a series of incidents that make me think twice about people's perception of myself.

maybe it is better not to have me around? or probably just keep my mouth shut? revert back to my old self who was very confined and unexpressive? it's probably me being overly sensitive *sigh*

what a wrong way to end such a beautiful day *and start a new year* let me just give that question a thought or two, maybe there's a certain truth in it. mmmm...

moody

the question of self worth

the other day a friend told me that my blog is getting more "cheem" and she doesn't understand what it is about anymore. maybe it's bcoz it's so gloomy and depressed most of the time now? well to be honest, i prefer writing those happy thoughts too but the fact is that i'm feeling very uncertain nowadays.

i quite surprised that my friends still can keep up with my mood; going up and down the scale so fast within a few minutes. i hope i can be more stable emotionally or at least be a better friend but truth be told, again, i don't know where i'm standing.

i suppose it has to do with self confidence. it's not only the quiz result that was given out by the lecturer today; it was probably a mere catalyst? thinking back for the past few days i realize that... maybe i'm not as competent as i thought i am. need to do some self reflection, not that i have that much time to spare though...

i hope i can survive til chinese new year hols... i hope my friends can too *sigh*

a dose of reality

today again i realized that time does not wait for anyone, it keeps rolling on tumbling down... sometimes you hear it knocking on the door but ignore it totally, choosing to delve in the self delusion that time might freeze and everything will stay this way.

after awhile it will come to you that it's actually reality standing there to remind you to start walking again. so walk on. it's not a question, it's a statement. walk on.

you know sometimes i feel that in our lives we should not have any strong attachments with anything; wealth, friends and family (?). we are so engrossed with what we feel is ours that we did not realize that it isn't ours at the first place.

think of your wealth for example. you are so busy collecting money, saving every single penny and working your way in the career ladder but at the end of the day, do you realize that it isn't yours at the first place? it's of Someone of a higher ground *if you know what i mean* let's not get religious now.

wat about your friends? i feel that i'm so dependent on them that when they move on with their lives later, i'll probably feel stranded. maybe when this whole mba is over i should get a job that takes most of my time that i'll be so busy that i don't have much time to think much about these things *been there, done that*. i always feel that's the reason why i was so workaholic back in jakarta. well the money didn't hurt either.

family? i don't even want to start with my family. let's move on.

i hope the wheel of time can freeze for me, i'm kind of enjoying my life now. in fact my friend asked me the other day; scale of 1-10, how happy am i. i answered her 8.5 probably. you know the better it is, the harder you are to walk on. but when you don't walk on, you might not know maybe in front there is a 9 or even a 9.5 *mmmm i don't see a life so perfect it can hit a 10, i'll get back to you if i do* talk is cheap, i still feel that 8.5 ain't too shabby, it's still rather hard to get my feet on the ground and start moving... *but hey don't blame me, i'm EXTREMELY risk averse* mmmm... maybe i'll just ponder through the night mmm...

birthday present

this morning i feel so fresh! i woke up with almost a "the-hiiiiiills-arrrrr-alivvvvve" kind of enthusiasm *har har*. basically i was so tired studying throughout sunday *read my o-so-lame way i celebrated d-day this year* that i fell asleep at about 10.30 and woke up at 7. must be my most refreshing morning since years :)

i happily took the time to hit the shower *see, i didn't use the word "bathe", a friend told me it sounds very girly? eh?* and cook myself a bowl of indomie goreng (<-- ps. my jaw literally dropped when i found out there's an entry for this in wikipedia). basically it was close to a perfect morning. i figured maybe this is my belated birthday present :) it makes me realize that in the hectic world of our daily lives, it is important to exhale and take some time to rest. we're no robots after all *although i bet our bosses/ lecturers might feel otherwise*

*ahem* it will be a perfect morning if i didn't have to dash to my 9 o'clock class and was STILL 15 minutes late. aaaaah, just the right dose of reality :D puuurfect just puuuurfect...

from your kreepy krawlie spie_dee

you know along the way you meet friends, those people whom you are most comfortable and do not hesitate to act silly or sheer stupid. basically being yourself :p sometimes looking back, i can recall quite a few names that have changed my life at one point or another although unfortunately some i have lost contact with. in my opinion these people are the ones who make life is worth living.

thanks friends, you know who you all are :)

spie_dee

the night before birthday

it's quite strange to actually spend another birthday in singapore, far away from home. i don't know if i should be happy or sad? on one hand i got what i wished for last year, which was to do my masters in singapore but on the other hand it can get pretty lonely in here. let's not even mention the inconsiderate lecturer who decides to give a test on monday. "so?" you say? that means i'm stuck at home!!! *bish bish bish* well it's between self indulgence and guilt, the way i see it guilt will win and i'll be stuck at home mugging on my birthday. *roll eyes*

it's quite strange how my life has so many twists and turns; some happy and proud incidents while some others are not even worth mentioning here. but looking back on my life i must say that every blister was necessary, every wound was important in making me the way i am today. i can even almost say *gasp* that i am quite proud to see where i am at the moment.

the future is in the hands on the person itself. at a recent leadership class we were supposed to write a personal life mission and values on paper. despite the big hooha and hissy fit some people threw, i must say it was quite an eye opener. of coz it was uncomfortable letting others to read your supposed future but i can't say that it's all bad, sometimes we don't really know what we want. we just live our lives day in day out without any intention or specific goal. maybe with forcing us to write it down, we are obligated to think of where we want to be in 5, 10, 15 years time.

another year has passed; did i live my life meaningfully, did i hurt anyone, did i touch anyone's lives, did i change anyone, did i make enemies, did i make friends, was i a good friend, did i learn enough, so many questions in my head tonight. (sigh i miss my car, if i was in jakarta i would've taken her for a night drive with my favorite cd playing in the background) if i have to die will i regret my 26 years of life?

it's a birthday, let's not be too morbid tonight

forgive my less enthusiastic self but i guess i'm just happy that i get to live another year :)

*ahem* by the way, do i celebrate it at 12.00 singapore time or should it be 12.00 indonesian time (which means 01.00)? hmmmm..... :D