Tuesday, December 27, 2005

how's your christmas?

mine's great! i spent it alone...

a friend replied with a "no..really how was it?" needed some time to seriously tell that friend that i did spend it alone and i DID enjoy it *tremendously*.

you know it's really odd, maybe i'm somekind of closet antisocial person or something bcoz every now and then i need some time to be alone. last time when i was in singapore i used to go to kinokuniya at takashimaya just by myself accompanied with my loyal discman *come on it was the 90s after all).

do you realize i am currently breaking the number 1 rule of every social science theory that claims human is a social being. but why do i like to be alone? to put it simply, i treasure my privacy ALOT.

i'm thinking really hard now and trying to figure out the reasoning behind this anti social act here. maybe it's because i can be myself when i walk alone, there is no cravings to be accepted by others, i can do whatever i want, go wherever my heart feels like going *don't worry i'm not gonna break into "the hills are alive" anytime soon btw*. it might sound corny but i think every man needs their space.

i sometimes wonder whether there'd be this special significant other who can understand me the way i understand myself. will i have a better and more eventful christmas? but for now i don't think i can have a better christmas than this one - time to rest, exhale and think what i have done this year. maybe this christmas i need to learn that christmas is not about all the lights at the mall, the presents or even the company of your friends but more about how you appreciate yourself. this christmas i realize i'm not that bad a company at all... :D

Monday, December 26, 2005

single and comfy

and so yesterday night i went to a nearby starbucks with a number of friends. maybe it's the coffee (i should've asked for a decaf rhumba instead..) or maybe it's the ambience being outdoor and everything or maybe it's just the people - four singles (3 guys and 1 gal), we talked alot about relationships in our lives (or probably more about the lack of it....haha...)

why do people plunge themselves in a relationship? some does it bcoz they can't bear being alone, some bcoz they need someone to care and love while some just need someone to kill the time with. i for once would like to be in a relationship WHEN there is the need to do so. only when the "right" person comes along then i would decide to jump shark and change my status to *gasp* "in a relationship".

>>> reality check reality check..harlow~ earth calling spie_dee, you are what? 25 going to be 26 soon and you're still waiting? until when may i be so polite to inquire?

i have no idea, seriously speaking maybe along the road all of us (me?) will lower our standards of expectation towards our significant other but for now i think i still have some time to spend roaming about all by myself.

a friend even suggested that she might not even marry if she can't find the right person. but the question is probably does the "right" person exist at the first place? okay maybe i'm a bit skeptic about the whole quest to find the right person but in my opinion at a certain point in our lives we will finally realize that the right person is what you make out of your significant other, you don't need to search high and low for him/her.

well i suppose before that "enlightenment" comes i can actually say that i am single and pretty comfy by myself (let's just hope it's just a passing phase though...)

Thursday, December 01, 2005

only sky is the limit

in love with the past



today i came to the office late coz i took my own sweet time driving - i was in one of my reflective moods again. couldn't help thinking about the whole notion of doing my masters in singapore that seems to be further than expected. there are some people, quite a significant amount actually who asked me "why do you want to do your masters in singapore so bad?" but excuse me maybe i'm reading too much into it but it does sound like "why are you so desperate?" alot.

maybe the idea of me going to spore for studies is like that street lamp in the picture i took this morning, it looks so close to the sky but it's actually just an optic illusion, in reality it's pretty much impossible to reach. am i lying to myself?

probably

but i seriously want to give myself one more shot, i don't want to wake up one day when i am 40 and think that i should have given my dream another chance. why am i so desperate? good question, it might come out in the GMAT i'm going to take in a couple of weeks to boost my application form. (har har..) am i desperate? yes i suppose to a certain extent i am desperate to see what is left outside of this mundane world in my life. it might be the same thing all over but at least then i would know that it's the same outside.

a friend asked me the other day "why would you want to leave your career behind and start over?" because i want to see outside of the box. i even made a stupid analogy to explain to her about the my whole theory of going to singapore. i was actually giving myself a somewhat self justification for wanting to change my life as a whole.

as much as the government wants to prove that indonesia is now a very developed country, there's no denying that it's a third world country that is filled with poverty and pretty backward compared to other countries (eg. spore). in what way? almost every way if you ask me. i might already be in step no.6 out of 8 steps in indonesia but in singapore there is a total of 10 steps to climb. so if i go there i'll have to start over and might even ultimately end up with a 5 but at least i have given my shot at the 10 steps. more importantly i have seen how the 10 steps are like. does that make any sense at all? :D

okay so if you skipped the previous paragraph then basically what i want to really say is - i want to live. no, you don't get me - i want to LIVE!